blankswf.blogspot.com

Back again?

2009-03-25T09:58:00.003+08:00

And I thought its the end of this site, yet I found myself back here again.

Somehow I am emotional at times, at nights like these when my brain just wouldn't shut off.

This little black hole of mine seems to have a certain ability allowing me to release all my emotional stress, unlike its brother site.

Simply thought it would be good to do away with all the depressing posts on the other site, where it begin with a happy note and that's how its gonna stay and will be for the rest of its "lifetime". And i thought it would be good too for me personally, to do away with posting depressing entries.

Yet, its hardly possible. Guess I'm back to square one.

Long rants, depressing thoughts, all these has to be release somewhere somehow as loneliness creeps in. Looking through my blog archives sometimes freak myself out.

Still remember a friend said to me, he feels good to be around me because of my nature of a strong sense of confidence which makes him feel confident bout things and perhaps himself too.

Yet, each time when I am alone, I don't think I am really that confident in things after all. I tend to worry about almost everything that comes to mind, and indulge myself in my own world of sad, emo, depressing thoughts. It's just me.

I tend to be able to relate with emo writings, blog post, songs than those which carry a light and happy tune. I tried to get rid of that part of me, but obviously i failed. Which i then conveniently resorted to accepting that as part of who i am.

Ah.. how foolish.

Was watching toradora, a jap anime on youtube. Currently waiting for its last episode, ep25 to be released by this weekend. And I wonder why animes always have cool lines to go along with. The way the story line builds up is interesting, but what gives the kick i would say, would be the very meaningful lines of conversations, or inner thoughts the main character would carry at the end of each episodes or occasions.

What amazed me is that, even after translation, from the ori japanese to english subtitles, the lines still sound meaningful and heart felt. Cause usually translations ruin every single piece in any movies for that matter. But not for jap animes.

Ah.. How I love nice animes.

Sigh.. guess i should go back to sleep now, its 3.19am, n god knows what i'm rambling here.

I Release You...

2009-02-24T08:10:00.003+08:00

This blog is no longer in use since it has been nothing more than a blackhole which I conveniently dumped in all my thoughts and rants and feelings and pain and stress and so on and so forth.

I hereby officially release you from all sufferings and pain inflicted since the creation of this blog.

However if you are one of those who enjoy getting tortured by my writings..

And you really have nothing else to do and wish to waste some time with me..

Do look for me @ bennysia.com.

Disclaimer:
By clicking on the above link, you hereby acknowledge that you have fully understood all the T&C applied and you are to be held responsible for whichever emotional and/or physical and/or mental damage/pain/disturbance caused by reading the contents in bennysia.com.

Please click to enlarge

2008-08-24T15:40:00.001+08:00

Dear Lecturer,

The only thing i can say about God is this.

I pray to God for strength, He gave me trials.

I pray to God for obedience, He sent me temptations.

I pray to God for patience, He send me Fakhisan aka you the lecturer.

Amen.

Regards,

Benny.

A Post Sis Wrote About Us

2008-08-22T21:26:00.001+08:00

Woke up feeling afraid and confuse. I just had the most disturbing dream... which I now vaguely remember... But the feeling of pain is so overwhelming it swallows me in and grab onto me even I after I am awake. I tried to go back to sleep, trying to clutch on to some of the broken pictures, find my way back into the shattered pieces...
Lying on my bed with my eyes closed, I tried to recall what I've dreamt of.

Nothing... Just the feeling of loss and pain.

And I miss Ben. A brother whom I love dearly and always will. It's been so long since we've actually spoken. Still remember how we used to spend our days together. Doing silly stuff together. Or simply lying on the bed, sharing about almost anything in life, laughing and crying, supporting and encouraging each other.
Those were the days... which I've grown to miss more and more these days. Especially when he's back but I don't get to spend time with him.

I can already feel that we are drifting further apart. I no longer know him like I have used to... or have I? I'm not sure anymore. I guess he knows me better. He has grown smarter and brighter. Independent and strong. I admire him. I look up to him. I seek guidance in him. Sometimes even strength to move on and strive harder in life.

Sometimes, it frustrates me, when he see through my weaknesses. It breaks my heart when I can no longer help him in his problems. I can no longer be his big sister to protect him like I used to. Instead, I add onto his problems. Sometimes I even "torment" him in some ways. I know I did, and I know why. But I love him, no lesser than before, only more...

Sometimes I wish to turn back time, when I am his big sister and he's my little brother. The little brother I play masak-masak with. The little brother who beg to hold my barbie dolls. The little brother who scream out my name when he see me running ahead. The little brother who hold onto my hand and look up to me when he got himself surrounded by mean kids or bossy adults. The little brother whos hands are small and would lie onto my lap when he's sleepy. The little brother who wants to sleep over after having a bad dream...

Am I being selfish??

I know that someday soon, we will grow and lead our life. We will have our own agendas and plans in life. We might even part. But in my heart, he'll always be my little brother. The little brother that I'll always love, care and stand by.

Love lots too sis. Take care. Miss you too. And that silly dance by Ah Rou.. Makes me smile when I think of that. Wanna hug hug punch punch him. <3 to all at home.

Conventional Systems

2008-08-22T02:04:00.001+08:00

Life, with so many things pending isn't as easy as it seems. Wanting to strive harder for things to get better, yet at the same time wanting to take a break from all the busy routines. Who designed this routine for us anyway?

I wish for better days ahead. I wish for the blue sky ahead. On a grassy hill i sat, looking up at the birds soaring free. That's when i noticed how humans are trapped in little cages they build for themselves. Always wanting to climb higher, run further, without noticing the cage they put themselves into. It's like a bad dream, no matter how fast you run, how hard you hide, you're always inside that bad dream, with the bad guys always just a step behind you.

I wish to leap, leaping out of the invincible barriers, overcoming impossibilities, surpassing that little faith our timid selves carry.

But what can i do when we're stuck in this system called education. What can we do when it's not for us to decide. The conventional way is always the better one just like how wolves run in packs, humans too assimilates into the very system they design which limits their own potentials.

Who's bold enough to stand up for himself turning against the entire human race? Who's strong enough to carry the lonesome pain going against their love ones, people they care, people who have high hopes on them? Who's tough enough to put through all this emotions running into the darkness without a torch?

When will this cynical system stop its cycle?

Better days, that's all i ask for. And i sincerely wish for you to be in this with me. Would you?

The Blog That Makes My Day

2008-08-20T03:35:00.001+08:00

Disclaimer : Vulgarities included.This post is for Michelle only. If you think you are not Michelle, please do yourself good and skip it.

Dear Michelle,

Why is it that every time when i read your blog i surely laugh like hell? It's bloody funny you know, reading stuffs you write about yourself which isn't exactly true.

It's like watching a person syok sendiri which looks so dumb to me. Damn. I shouldn't. My bad. But i just can't stand it, can i?

Now is it just me, or others feel the same too? Sometimes i wonder. Am i the only one that is being bias and have prejudice over your particular blog? I don't know but if you would just give me a minute, this is what i think. Sincerely. From the bottom of my heart.

Stop bragging about something you don't own. Stop acting as if people care when nobody gives a damn at all. Stop writing stuff that makes me laugh till my jaw drops. I am really begging you to stop.

And it is so clear your intentions to brag about the life you doesn't have but dream of every day and night. The way you play with words acting like you are on the top of the world when the fact remains that you are not even near it. The truth is, if you are not there, you are just not there. And it's obvious to people around you, so stop acting so I'm-smart-pretty-popular-rich-and-you-can-eat-my-shit!

Especially the items which you love to show cast on your blog with a picture caption that reads "WOW! IT"S EXPENSIVE! IT"S ONE OF A KIND!!" Or the food picture which you'll go "WAH SO DELICIOUS AND THEY LOOK SO PRETTY!!!" Without forgetting to add on in the next line the price of the items which is reeeeaaaalllly expensive.

Honestly, I think you kena con or what lor. Cuz they don't at all look like they even cost half the price you bought it. ~~THEY LOOK LIKE SHIT!~~

I'm going nuts... Never mind, lets continue and finish this.

Another thing, just so you know, if you updated your blog, people who are interested will visit and read them. YOU DON"T HAVE TO BLOODY ANNOUNCE IT TO EVERYONE ASKING THEM TO READ AND COMMENT ON IT!! And worse still, after people read it, you ask people to re-read. Why? Cause got new comments by other people there. =.= You see, OTHER THAN YOU, NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THAT OK??

Oh and, this is very very important. Please don't write something like this anymore. "Today, X ask me if i'm sick, then X say will bring me medicine. I insisted don't want, but he forced me. So no choice i accepted lor." Or this. "Yesterday, Z did something very sweet. I wanted to write it here, but in the end, i still think it's better to keep it to myself. Hmm.. He's so sweet!!!"

If you really don't want people to know about something, then erase that prologue which you act as if "ter" type ok? It's not like talking which you might tersaid sth, but if you tertype, there's an invention called "backspace" on your bloody keyboard ok?

Stop acting so mysterious and secretive. Cuz from all i noe, it might be you who complain to X so many gazillion times about you being sick so he gave you med to shut you up. Z might just gave you a polite smile when you walk pass and you as usual syok sendiri and think too much. And yes, this is exactly how you'll act if you haven't notice yet.

I do agree that everyone deserves a chance. A chance to be confident about themselves. A chance to feel good about themselves. But please don't overdo it. When nobody says a thing, it doesn't mean that you can continue misusing that chance, cause it's simply nauseating and soon turning disgusting.

So stop please. With utmost respect and sincere intention i'm pleading you to stop. Stop trying so badly to become somebody you are not. Be yourself.

Regards,

Ben.

Ps: Oh btw, thanks for the laughter you provide me with your hooha bloggie. But my stomach really can't take it anymore, it cramps and it hurts. Damn.. I'm still laughing..

Pss: I apologize to all readers for the sarcastic tone of mine which i am not at all proud of. Bear with me just for this post pls.

Abnormalities

2008-08-17T04:11:00.001+08:00

Sometimes i get so used to you it becomes a habit. It's something i never want to admit but i know it's true. It's just so convenient to turn to you when i'm down. So convenient to just pick up my phone to give you a call knowing that i'll definitely feel better after.

Everything we say, every thought we share it just comes so naturally. When the fact is it's not at all natural. Why would i wake you up for work when i barely slept half an hour ago? And then i'll continue my sleep knowing that you'll wake me up for class later on? It's abnormal.

Why there's so much to say to you when i hardly can think of a proper conversation with any other person for that matter? I run out of topic pretty fast, everyone knows that, i'm not good in making little conversations. Yet, we can hang on the phone for hours like this. It's abnormal.

The best part is, even when i run out of topic, i can just continue doing my work while hanging on the phone with you. Listen to you breathe, listen to you sleep. Listen to you rant about your work, gossip about your colleagues, your boss, listen to your voice mumbling something incomprehensible as you doze off slowly into your dreams. It's abnormal.

Never like to talk about my mundane stuff to anyone. Would just skip it even if people were to ask. Too lazy to elaborate petty stuffs like my life. Yet, i never get tired telling you things knowing that you'll never get tired listening to me, never get tired listening to you knowing that you'll never get tired talking to me. Never once. It's not exactly normal. It's abnormal.

Remember once when we were in the mall, you almost subconsciously held my hand, which you noticed right after and turned to grabbing my arm instead. I noticed it too. It's freaking abnormal to do something abnormal like this so naturally. It's abnormal.

Yet everything seems so natural. That's the part that i don't quite get. Do you get me?

Neway with Big Big Rooms!!

2008-07-12T01:42:00.005+08:00

Went to One U that day with Miss MK just out of boredom. Without any plans whatsoever, we find ourselves ended up in Neway. And I feel like it's been ages since I last stepped into a Karaoke.

Anyway, it was really funny lo. So never thought we would walk into a karaoke. And also funny that only both of us inside singing our hearts out cuz it's my 1st time go karaoke 2 people only lo. Like WTF rite?? Too free nothing to do like that.

And I really can't sing that "proper"(yeah I know I don't sing well, that's y I resorted to the word proper ok!) like I used to anymore. Really need to keep up with singing, slack for half a year and you find yourself panting half way through Leo Ku's "Geng Go Gam Kuk".

And to my surprise, Miss Mk can really sing la!! I knew she could sing since last last time la, but never expected her voice to turn out so bloody melodic. I asked her to join "xing guang da dao", for those who don't know, it's some sort of taiwan idol show.

Since I guess most of you sure say I'm lying rite. Here's a video clip of her singing, watch and tell me if she can go contest, I'll convey your comments to her too. wakakak. She's gonna kill me for doing this. By the way, it's a mandarin song which I forget the title. So me rite..

Freaking shit. Know her 8 years d but now only I notice. So sad rite! If not, we could have sing k more during our highschool years!

This is supposed to be a happy post with a more cheerful tone, but since results just came out, I gotta end it with a sad tone now.

I FREAKING SCREWED MY EXAMS!!! Really screwed this time, straight away dean list award pun xda!! And this is me doing what I do best..

emo'ing...

Spot the difference

2008-07-09T02:47:00.001+08:00

Remember my beloved watch?? Watch this..

Can you tell which is real??

Okay okay.. I photoshoped the second picture. Apparently, I dropped my watch on the floor that day, and it's minute hand dropped off.

GONE!!

So the next time you ask me the time, I can only answer you this.

"2 something"

"3 plus"

"roughly 4"

Or if I'm in the wee mood that day, I'll say this.

"It's between 2 and 3, go figure!"

Don't get offended, cause I really tried my best. =)

Bits of Hancock and my Blog

2008-07-08T21:25:00.001+08:00

Apparently Nuffnang decided to give me two Hancock tix for free!!

So I watched it last night in Cineleisure.

The movie was so so only honestly. Not like how I expected it to be - a Blast! However, anybody with a couple of free time like me should catch it, after all it's from the all time favorite Will Smith yeah?

Anyway, so I met Robb there as I was collecting my complimentary tickets, and he said:" So you are that notorious benny sia?"

NOTORIOUS?? Wakakakka..

I guess I am..

Bennysia.com has been up for 3 weeks now. Considering it's unique visitors, it hits peak at 2.8k per day, the day that Kenny Sia links me on his blog.

And currently, it's fluctuating from 350-550 unique visitors daily depending whether I update.

So now, many ask why did I start that bloody asslike blog, I say it's for fun lar. Really. It's fun. You get to see people reacting over small things you posted. Criticizing you. Some will flame you teruk-teruk. Then another bunch of readers will flame them back. When the truth is none of these readers know me in person. Isn't that funny?

And all you do is sit back and laugh admiring at how easily-influenced people get at times.

But the truth remains, it's still an asslike blog. So don't read it peeps, you'll regret for wasting your time there. It's only for me to enjoy my free time, but not you.

Wipe my ass and off I go..

Why guys watch Anime??

2008-07-02T20:08:00.001+08:00

Because this,

Only exist in ANIME!

N this,

Is the price you have to pay.

Made of Honor & Wanted

2008-06-27T19:01:00.001+08:00

Ok. So I watched made of honor 3 days ago. And it's really fun to watch and had a good laugh, despite the fact that I had to tahan chics screaming for Mc Dreamy every now and then throughout the movie. [exaggerations used.]

Anyway, nothing more and nothing less from what I'd expected for chics flicks like that. Cool happy ending as usual. But it was really funny and I guess everyone loves that show.

Then I was back at the cinema yesterday for Angelina Jolie's ~~boobs~~ Wanted. It sucks.

At 1st, Angelina decided to bend it like Beckham with her gun, so the bullet actually curved and hit the target behind an obstacle. Well, to certain extend, I can still make do with that.

Then, almost at the ending part, she decided to do a boomerang trick and the bloody bullet she shot to her left went a whole round killing 6 guys before it comes back for her suicide.

Really, if Einstein was in the cinema, he would die of heart attack other than the nose bleed(due to her boobs).

If you were to title your show as Spiderman, or Superman, or worst to worst Hancock, and do something like that I would still understand. But "Wanted"!! It's just not right!!

I mean even Stephen Chow warns you that his shows are comedy by that stupid look of his before you enter the cinema. But "Wanted" was just simply lame.

Being an engineering student and a future engineer, I was basically exhausted after the movie. Unable to comprehend the creativity of the director and perhaps the script writer.

Ain't no porn

2008-06-25T06:47:00.001+08:00

Did a bloody dumb decision to click on a link I should never touch. I regretted.

I have a very controversial and confusing self. Due to my overwhelming ego, I conveniently bookmark a page I shouldn't some long time ago. So that every once a while when I am left alone late night unable to sleep, I can click into it looking for another epic of self assurance, browse the page, and then leave with a broad smile on my face glad that I'm able to tell myself that I don't feel a thing. Simply emotionless.

I'm satisfied with my own ability to withstand every emotion that's trying to tear me apart inside just to feed my ego. A brilliant way to hide my timid self I would say. I succeed each time. Convinced. But come to think of it now, it's mere stupidity honestly, it simply shows how small and timid I really am isn't it.

It's like when I was young, I was really afraid of height. But not wanting to submit to that fear, I would then go on hanging bridges, tall buildings, and even sat on Solero, just to prove myself able. Now, I simply enjoy that excitement height provides. That was the fear I overcame due to stupidity and ego. Ego makes you stronger sometimes. And I suck on my own ego lots.

Anyway, back to tonight, I click on it again. I am shaken. I simply don't understand why am I shaken this time. Why now? I knew it all along way before. It's not like I'm unprepared. And I've been through it so many times before and came out fine. So why now?

It's just another glorious episode of mine where I soar slightly higher than I was before I used to think. But deep down, I am uncertain.

It's always easy to convince yourself that you don't need things you can't get. It's even easier to give up on dreams that have been crushed. When you start telling yourself that you don't care, it's like building a shelter of protection which provides your timid self a place to hide. It's just a matter of time when you have to come out from that cover and face reality.

I thought I'd given up. Did I? Maybe I am still able to feel like before. Maybe I still have that little faith in me, deep inside. Maybe I still want that dream. That dream I dreamt of each time I close my eyes. It’s crushed now. By the many hands of others and perhaps my own.

But am I going to reconstruct that dream I have once given up. I rephrase. A dream I thought I’ve given up. I still don't have an answer to that yet.

The truth is, giving up is simply much convenient still. Pleasurable too.

Maybe, just maybe.

Sleepless nights. It's a kind of addiction I can never quit.

Good morning world..

Keyboard speaks

2008-06-25T04:55:00.001+08:00

There's a whole world of me, I wish to pour on you like a bucket of paint we mix, into a color of rainbow juice higher than that tower, where rainbow soars above slightly higher than your testimonial of love for me, as it's not about the emotions, the eruption you make believe but leave today, together we'll soar higher again and again, it's all about that eruption of senses and motions with another night of merciless embrace, that warmth and a little bit of you and pieces of me thinking about bits of you lying with me and that sheets of letter and I'll take away everything comprehendible, stop understanding the complexity of it all, and now take a deep breathe and just let yourself fall, let your body do the talking and just watch as I run my fingers on the keyboard, you'll watch me tap tap tap the sound of water fall fall fall into the skies above so wide wide wide it'll never stop so just fall, into me you'll fall, I will I promise to catch you at the end of it all, if there's an ending after all which I doubt so you'll just fall and watch and fall and watch and fall and watch me tap tap tap on this keyboard continuing this everlasting story of rainbows, and you and finally me and you and me we'll soar... Oh breathe..

Random secrets

2008-06-24T04:44:00.001+08:00

Wanna know about random people's secret thoughts? What they do when nobody is looking? Or better still, what they think deep inside?

Here's something across the net that I find very interesting.

It is a page that publishes postcards that people send to them. And on these post cards, people write down their secret thoughts that they wish to share with the world anonymously.

I find it really interesting as some of the things you see here may seem to be really outrages or simply crazy, but deep down you know you once thought that way too.

More here.

Wannabe

2008-06-20T20:21:00.002+08:00

Noob like me can hack thru google

2008-06-19T02:08:00.001+08:00

Tired of hours of waiting for downloading a song with torrent or whatever software you are currently using? Try this:

Been reading this cool site for quite some time now, and as I was doing my normal round there, I was shocked when I saw this post by MR Xniquet.

It says that you can basically search for whatever files you want through google search box., and what's better is that you can download straight from the directory, sort of like stealing people's file to me. So if you wanna try it, do it at your own risk, and hope we don't meet behind bars tomorrow.

Here's what you need to do. Go to google page. At the search box, type in:

"intitle:index of" mp3 vertical horizon

for example.

Click on whichever link comes up. You'll be surprised you actually have the whole directory to yourself. Browsing through people's stuff can be really addictive. So again, browse at your own risk.

Now try something else instead of mp3, ebook or movies maybe?

The golden rule is simple:

1) Ask and you'll receive.

2) What you see is what you get.

THE ALL NEW API-MUSANG 3

2008-06-18T23:03:00.002+08:00

It's Download day for Firefox where they are launching the all new Firefox 3 web browser in an attempt to set a world record as the most software downloaded in 24 hours!!

I just checked the stats and it's 26,520 for malaysia over a total downloads of 6,942,340 around the globe.

It's features are cool, with supercool gadgets and add-ons, but this time around they provide you with something else, an elegant touch on it's design.

I've downloaded mine!! Where's yours?

Wanna be part of this BIG THING??

Join here!!!

ALWAYS SUPPORTING FIREFOX AND IT NEVER FAILS!!

Blog over 2 years

2008-06-18T04:43:00.003+08:00

It's been more than 2 years now since I started this blog. Remember I started it as a place to let out my emotions and mostly rants when I 1st came to UTP. Immature self.

Yet come to think of it, it was really tough for me as I always find it difficult to really speak to anyone in uni. Have lotsa friends that i can talk to and speak to but when it comes to emotionally attached issues as well as the more personal touches, there really isn't anyone to talk to. Moreover, any UTP students will know that it's hard to talk on the phone cause the line sucks big time and MSN is just another fantasy over there which makes contacting friends from the outside even harder than ever.

Now it's been 2 years plus with so many things happened and past, so many people come and go, so many happy times, sad moments and bittersweet memories. Sometimes I do find it convenient to recapture these moments by simply browsing through the archive section on my blog.

Noticed that from a ranting hideout of mine, it became a scrapbook, just that its digital and sometimes there really are limitations to how well you can capture every expression, every thought, and every emotions digitally. You can't draw sketches of beautiful morning suns like when you are 5 years old with a world so full of sweets and candies, and you can't probably sketch pictures of poo with a fly above it when you are down.

Can't scribble random words, random pictures, random stuff that you can't even tell what it is, like how you could with a real scrapbook. Can't fuck around writing about the pretty girl who decided to attend class with miniskirt that morning, complain about the lecturer who cut your marks for sleeping, and certainly can't complain about how your mom's cooking sucks since anything digital is volatile. They spread like wildfire and explode like the big bang. Oh and, mommies nowadays read and write blogs too.

Anyway, back to my blog, it started with no readers, as I thought it should be some sort a secret, till my friends found out about my blog, and people started linking me. That's when I started posting like how many choose to live their life-only portraying the good things while hiding the darker side.

But I don't want to live mine like that. I wanna live my life how I want it to be. And there's no point looking back at those people who only remember to live their hypocrite life and poke your back once a while when they have nothing better to do.

As much as I don't want to live like that, I don't want to blog like that either. And sometimes I wonder, what will happen if the dark secrets explodes? What if, they found me bare naked and chained with my sins and guilt and shame? Lying unwanted with my flaws and ego and perhaps a broken heart? Will people smirk at me? Or will they offer me a helping hand, wash me and cloth me as a man still? Will people look at me differently with different shades? Or will they like me more for me being true and honest with who I am?

It's been too many fucking years now, we live as hippocrates due to simple fear of rejection because the world is shallow and cruel. Where's the loving world that we're told to build since young? Where's the love that we used to tell our children in bedtime stories? Where's the kind-hearted rather than all two faced creatures that we've trained ourselves to become as to survive in this crazy world?

Is the world sane? Or am i insane?

Still Partying

2008-06-16T22:49:00.001+08:00

And so, i wasn't online these few nights, busy partying, drinking and later vomit my ass off.

Dewar's in Maison on thursday. Stole the pic from Liwei.

Went up to genting on friday.

Dinner in Gohtong.

Stone with statue in 1st world. Gay with the EMO-ers at the garden.

Swing and sky berry for the night.

Still sober at this moment and please don't ask me what happened after that. I don't remember.

Anyway, the next day just as i thought i've had enough party time, the crew ask for another round.

Ended up in a fren's house finishing up a whole damn bottle of HARDY VSOP with slightly more than half a bottle of coke.

Yes.

I know.

I can see my liver turning black.

Hot chic dance while cursing Benny Sei

2008-06-15T18:50:00.001+08:00

Ok. Despite the fact that she's hot(can't c the face so cant say she's pretty) and she's a malaysian, that's not the main reason i posted this.

But but, can anyone tell me what is the singer saying every now and then in the song? It kinda interrupted the song everytime and what i heard seems like:

"Benny Sei"-->translation: Die benny

Damn, why curse me?? What you guys heard??

Some pictures to ponder

2008-06-13T17:10:00.001+08:00

TFK???

Spark my ass!!

Open the "PAIP"???? pipe, no? tap, no?? PAIP!!!! i should rip the paip open slowly i guess...

A friend requested for my emo posts

2008-06-13T06:12:00.000+08:00

which i didn't quite wanna post lately. Don't want people to get my emo-ness. Haih.. Y would anyone miss my emo posts? Don't understand but here you go.

the dawn hurts more than night i just realize
u poisoned me with all your love n pass me by
waking up with the scent of your skin on mine
the hugs kisses n love making mornings rewind

forget bout the cup cakes n candle lights
i ain't falling for another crafted lie
staring at the morning rain outside
tell me how am i gonna wake up fine

Semester break

2008-06-12T19:26:00.001+08:00

It's been really busy for me the past week and still is. Somehow it became a routine, for me to sleep at 5am in the morning, and wake up 2pm in the noon. Unhealthy cycle it may seem.

So occupied with many things in the day, meeting ups, reading, meeting ups, online, outings and more meeting ups. And during the night, it's either mamak sessions, alcohol fests, or just another quiet night in the room with my lappie and some books to read.

On the happening nights where i would probably be home 3.30 am in the morning, finding my mom sleeping on the couch in the hall, she claims she couldn't sleep because dad was snoring too loudly, yet i know it's partly because of me, she's waiting for me. That's her.

I will usually kiss my dog good night, give my mum a hug, and ask her if she wants to sleep in my room which she never did. Washing up and all then I'll be lying on my bed staring at the glittery stars which I stick on my ceiling years ago. Sometimes, it's easy and I'll just doze off once my head hits the pillow. Other times, it's a matter of trying to fall asleep.

The quiet nights would be me staying in my room online chatting with friends, surfing some boring pages, and finally when everyone goes to sleep looking forward to another busy day tomorrow, I will be the only one up and still wide awake. Recently, I find myself enjoying the quiet nights reading some novels on my bed. Taking some personal time to relax without worrying bout any datelines to meet.

But it all comes when the clock strikes 4-ish in the morning when I finally decided to switch off the lights to sleep. Bits of images of what happen during the day starts screening through in my mind, sometimes the past and future comes in to play as well.

I still think a lot during bed time, even after I realize this last few years and is trying to change since then, it stays.

Sometimes, I still see you in my head. Every bit of details remains. Every bit of you remains. Every single tone of your voice rings in my head. As if we never grew up and still stay in that time of innocence.

Sometimes I see portions of a family in a big house, two kids and the mom preparing their bags for school in the morning, right before a man came down the stairs in suits and tie with a briefcase held tight in his hands. Kiss her and the kids goodbye before he leaves for work somewhere along the busy streets where the air of tension smells. That's me in future I think.

Sometimes I see sis and I all grown up in working suits, catching up in some coffee house in the mall after months of not seeing each other, my parents weren't anywhere in the pictures anymore.

There are also times when I see pictures of a kid who looks like me having fun with his sis and family, sometimes it's a picnic at the garden, sometimes at the river where we used to catch small fishes with hand held nets. Sometimes its at the play ground somewhere in lake garden, and other times, it just pop up and gone the next second replaced by other bits of happy moments. But no matter what, his sister is always there playing with him. =)

Hugging tight to the red big bolster, still trying to sleep, emotions stirred. Mixed. Slowly, I'll doze off and wake up to another afternoon with a pack of rice left on the dining table for my lunch.

The phone rang, I answered, changed, and off I go again and the cycle repeats.

My friend search for me on Facebook

2008-06-11T17:33:00.001+08:00

Were chatting on gtalk as i sit here in starbucks replying Mel's Challenge, the conversation goes like this:

fuhan87: who is ....(name censored)??

Benny: just some fren

fuhan87: wtf, i go stalk your friendster, haha

Benny: (she's) not in my frenster pls, go get a facebook

Benny: get a life, get a facebook

fuhan87: ..... how to add you

Benny: benny sia

After half an hour...

Fuhan87: saw osama bin laden when i search for benny sia in facebook, add me

Benny: huh?

Then he sent me a picture which looks like this:

A closer look:

WTF??????

Benny: @!#$%^%$@#

fuhan87: haha

fuhan87: don't angry la, you are one handsome osama hahah

Benny: damn u

fuhan87: don't damn me please, i am your good friend

-ends-

Ice Cream and Ghost Stories

2008-06-09T19:15:00.005+08:00

I haven't eaten any ice cream for god knows how long. I strongly believe that ice creams have that ability to lighten your heavy burden souls, carve a smile on your face and gives a tingling sensation which brings out the happy memories and happy thoughts in a person. That's how i picture ice creams.

Every kid loves ice creams. There's a kid in everyone of us. Everyone of us love ice creams. True?? Maybe..

There's this friend of mine who loves telling ghost stories to her friends which includes me. One day some long long time ago, i asked if she would be kind enough to tell me a story. N so she picked a ghost story which i need to trade with an ice cream treat.

Though her ghost stories often sounds more funny than scary, it still keeps me awake preparing for tests and finals at night. And the ice cream deal remains only as a deal since we hardly get a chance to meet up.

Finally today, after years and months of waiting,

the ice cream deal was finally settled along with another funny ghost story from her. *Laughs*

N right after dinner, another friend of mine, Irene, offers another ice cream treat, so much for everybody loves ice cream. N please never go to metro prima for its Baskin Robins, so not appetizing at all. We went there for ice cream, but after seeing the outlet with the remaining ice creams in each container, we ended up in starbucks.

Aikz, it could've been an ice cream double dose day.

Friends and cupcakes

2008-06-08T13:58:00.003+08:00

Or Apple pies, whatever. But what could be sweeter than a friend whom you never meet or contact for years, suddenly pop out in front of you and the next thing you know, you're sitting there with her reminiscing the days when you were kids playing sands and eating candies?

And what could be sweeter than finding out the following day that she actually wrote a whole post about me in her blog? From how we met during kindergarden days, till we graduated, working and till today, that's how a friend remembers you in her life. Sweet isn't it?

Ah.. She's funny with a handful of hyped up craziness, and she's definitely fun to hang out with. I'm glad we met again.

Me and My Watch

2008-06-06T16:41:00.001+08:00

I own a rip-curl surfer's watch as a birthday gift 5 years ago. It stays with me and went through all my exams and interview sessions since then.

People use to ask me why am i wearing a belt watch rather than a metal chained one, and there are times when i feel like owning one of those chained watches as i see some really elegant ones in the malls. But this old faithful watch of mine seems so versatile that i never get a chance to change to a new one at all. I've dropped it, smashed it with my car door, bath with it, and it always survives no matter what.

Of course, i've changed its belt a couple of times, as they worn out after a year or so. The batteries too, changed a couple of times now, but the watch itself, it works just fine.

What's the problem of wearing a belt watch? Watches used to play it's role in representing a man's ego, portraying his personality, class, status and achievements. Does it really matters? A billionaire doesn't bring along with him a billion dollar wherever he goes, but he just has that something which makes him appeal to the rest as a billionaire.

And nowadays, u'll never know who owns that biggie and who's just another bragged ass hole who's only loud in boasting basing on appearance solely. It's dangerous to judge a book by its cover.

And guess what, as i was flipping through the newspaper, i saw this article and found out that all the big shots wear belt watches. Hyped.

The world is changing. The trend is changing. And i love my watch.

1) Chelsea's One in a Million- Roman Abramovich wears plastic digital model.

2)THE PRESIDENT- Tony Blair with swatch.

3) THE WARLORD- Bush with budget model.

*pictures above abstracted from The Stars.

Ass banged

2008-06-05T02:36:00.001+08:00

I used to criticize a lot about our national car aka proton. Anyway i own a proton satria neo cause i really like its exterior lan yeng design and it's comparatively cheap.

You know how those big wheels will usually take 5 minutes or perhaps longer to switch off the engine completely after you plug out your car key?? My satria neo has that ability too. But the thing with my sweet car is that it's not because of the cool down purpose, rather it's somewhere short-circuited at the air cond fan where it'll never switch off completely. But since not many people know that, i can still act lan yeng a bit when i off my engine. =)

Also, the front bumper, it's so low that if u go down a slightly steeper slope at a faster speed, the bumper will hit right into it and fall out of the socket lock, where you'll have to manually put it back into position later.

And in less than a year, the left rear break light of my sweet car burnt and till today i haven't repair any of these since the workshop always tell you it's gonna take ages to repair and that's exactly what i don't have. Proton. Get what i mean?

But two days ago, the last day of my stay in PD, my car got crash from behind by two cars consecutively. This iswara in front of me overshot a junction and the driver breaks immediately. Full stop. My car coming from behind saw that and of course i slammed onto the emergency break and barely made it, stopped about an inch away from it.

Then, we have this Kelisa coming from behind, BANG!! Here's what it looks like:

Still fine, then the asshole Kia Spectra came full speed and crash right into my car. AGAIN. Look at it:

Being gang banged like this, u'll automatically imagine my car to become something like this at least:

However, my sweet car survived the crash:

Only scratches!!!

We ended up in the police station in alor gajah, to cut the long story short:

1) Kelisa paid a fine of rm200.

2) Spectra paid a fine of rm200, and on top of that, i'll claim from his insurance for repair.

3) Benny weep for his beloved satria who got ass bang twice in a day.

For once, i'm proud to own a national car, Malaysia Boleh!!

Rotaract BODs Retreat

2008-06-04T04:58:00.001+08:00

And so we went to somewhere near port dickson for our rotaract retreat after a whole year of hard work realizing the many projects we set out for community service and self development. Just got back yesterday, and here are some pics to share.

7 cars convoy all the way down from ipoh, some joined midway, and when we reach our destination, the holy light shone upon the cars.

A very nice scenery with not only the beach as expected, but also a very wide field of greeneries.

N this below is the glass house we slept in, where if enter and look through the glass walls, u can see a magnificent sea view, just like the mansion in the movie iron man, i would love to have a house like that some day ~~when n if i get rich~~.

The gateway to the sea..

A lonely rod awaits. ~~hmm sounds porno~~

The beach

Aaron sleeping

The 2nd nite was a blast, barbeque coupled with lots and lots of alcohols, cool sea breeze, altec lansing with our self made DJ KC, and a gang of hyped up people. Too bad nobody remember to take any pictures. But i would certainly regret if i wasn't there that nite.

The last morning where we assembled the car for a photoshoot which supposed to turn out professional but it failed. Anyway, spot the red GTO, it rocks n pumps like nothing ordinary. A great Blast!

A night with a stranger

2008-06-03T21:55:00.001+08:00

It was cold that night, but i decided to take a walk outside, just to take a puff actually. And there at the park, i met her. She was all alone with her laptop, stealing the wifi coverage coming from the building where i just exit from.

Since there's only both of us there, it makes it weird if i don't say hi somehow, and so i greeted her in german and we talked. Found out that she's a thai, currently in serbia under a student exchange program.

I like their ascent, Thais, Vietnamese, Koreans, the way they speak english sound so gentle. So soft yet outspoken. So sweet yet determined. So polite yet fun to be with. N lastly, so honest and true. It's a culture, a bringing up i believe.

N so we ended up talking for 4 hours there, freezing to death. The winds were cutting through our bones that night. But that didn't bother us a little.

N today, as i was uploading the pics to facebook, i saw this pic n i wish i can go back to that night with her again, a stranger whom u can share with about almost everything and anything the 1st night we met.

She's special.

Completion of 2nd year 2nd semester

2008-06-03T01:36:00.001+08:00

Finally finals are over. Another semester flew by. And by far, this is the semester i enjoyed most, achieved most, also the semester where i had most fun doing the not so right thing and neglected the assumed to be important things. But i did not regret a single bit, and well it's my life and i love my life like this!

The record:

1) Participated in Robocon, causes many sleepless nights and missed classes.

2) I'm back in KL the most this sem till i feel so unusual that i'm at home, again as if i'm on a holiday break.

3) Hit the clubs 3 times in a single week during test week.

4) Mamak session every night that burns a hole in my pocket and eye bags turning into eye luggages.

5) Smoking kills is what i learn through experience.

6) And i hate the snooker center right beside UTP, every day without fail, i'll be there wasting money and time poking balls with a stick. Gaming before, snooker now.

7) Went waterfall trip and sight seeing tour in kampar with EMT assignment still pending on my desk. But yeah, rejuvenation!!

8) Starbucks camping sessions.

9) Last but not least, Eurobot trip to germany in the midst of finals.

This is the 1st time i have this feeling of missing the life in utp during my holiday, miss the easy access to mamak anytime u want, miss dc++ which allow me to go on a movie marathon, miss fufu sessions at the balcony, miss the phrase "jom, change" and "chill la" each time before we end up in clubs, also miss the convenience of MIRC n Gtalk.

But every sem changes, and i don't foresee how next sem could be as crazy and fun as this though i'd like it to, but next sem will be the blast i would say, many projects and plans will be carried out and in execution phase next semester, it makes me excited just to think bout that. But well, we'll see.

This semester is a semester of change for me, a breakthrough.

Random pics of Germany : Day 2(Heidelberg)

2008-05-29T00:10:00.001+08:00

Random pics of Germany : Day 1(Frankfurt)

2008-05-28T03:34:00.001+08:00

coming home

2008-05-25T13:43:00.003+08:00

Gonna check out from the hotel in a while and head home.

Argh.. don´t wanna leave yet. fuck that finals, make my stay here so short.

Germany rocks..

ps: Pei chi!! din get to meet u! aiks!!

Day1 n 2

2008-05-23T04:15:00.002+08:00

Hi peeps, currently in germany using the hotel internet.

So it´s my 2nd day here, n today our robot finally pass thru the pre test, means our robot fulfilled all the requirements for the competition and we can compete in the competition tomorrow. It was really tough, faced so many problems when we arrived, eveything not working and all, still we have to work under very limited resources basically no resources, no equipments. 2 of the servo motors broke down, and we ended up resorting to only using one side instead of 2 sides for the robot. but, hehe.. WE BEAT FORMULA SAE!! hahahahha.. We´re in!!

also, despite the work and all, we had really lotsa fun here, 1st day in frankfurt, and today we tour around heidelberg, really really nice views here, nice cooling weather too. will upload the pics when i´m home most prob. and guess what? they use mercedes as taxi!!! fuck that!!

gotta run. dinner time. will update again later.

Guten Tag

2008-05-18T06:01:00.001+08:00

Clock on my dekstop sidebar shows 5.28am. Been sleeping when the sun rose for the past few days. The morning birds chirp everytime i go to bed, birds here sing aloud too.

Was in the lab all day, hard work. Building robot is not really my interest, but it does bring u satisfaction when u c something u build from scratch start moving around on its own. Like whoa, it works!! But again, hard work.

So i'll be heading off to germany in 2 days time, for a week. N there's no way to contact me during that time, phone's off. Blog too. I am excited, but at the same time i worry for my last 3 papers really. It's gonna be shit. Just don't go worse than that will be fine.

Read sis's bloggie, saw rover's pictures. That cute doggy of mine despite his enormous size, he's like a giant baby, makes me wanna hug him and wrestle him everytime i see his pic. Miss him much. N that makes me miss home too.

I just realized i don't know a single german word. And my friend taught me this. "Guten tag" i think it's spelled like this, it means good day if not mistaken. And i just found out german is a mixture of english and malay, "my nama is Benny" this is how they introduce themselves. Nama?? Isn't that malay i thought, and tht's exactly how they say it in german for name.

Movies i've watched: After sex 2007 festival, hostel 1, august rush, yes i can c dead people n as usual few others which i forget the title.

August rush is a must watch i would say. Look at how that little boy plays the guitar is already worth the time. And i love the soundtracks too, anyone knows the titles of the songs, or can send me the songs straight would be very much appreciated.

N now, it's nearly 6am, the "allah song" is played. No offense to muslims, but yeah it sounds like a song to me, and all i can understand is the word allah, so pardon me alright?

N i just found out there's a physical limit to how much your brain can work, lets say u let it work extremely hard for a day, at most 2, u'll get headache for the following 2 days. Yeah i'm having mine for 2 consecutive days now n it doesn't seem like stopping yet, so u can guess how hard mine worked.

Time for bed i guess. Nites.

Sex and Love

2008-05-15T03:33:00.001+08:00

Love is not negotiable.

Love is a guessing game and tht's the beauty of it, there's no guarantees. It's like diving into a pool of water without knowing if it's shallow or deep. And if it's shallow, u end up hurt and paralyzed from the neck down. but if it's deep.. u know..

It's a leap of faith. It's like throwing yourself out there without any guarantees and tht's what life's about.

U know those carnival games, right? U know how some of them are really hard to win and some of them are super easy and everyone wins. Well, it's just tht tht's the difference between love and sex. Sex is the game where everyone wins a little prize and no one goes home a loser. And love is the game that's really hard to win. But if you do, and you get to take home that life-sized stuffed rhinoceros, it feels a whole lot better than taking that shitty little plastic keychain.

Waterfall trip

2008-05-12T21:05:00.001+08:00

The day we rejuvenate!

ReadyGet set

Go!!! Shampoo man!!

We've made it!!

Another semester flew by

2008-05-11T22:34:00.002+08:00

Gonna sit for my 1st final paper tmr. And it's weird i dun feel like i'm going for finals, maybe finals doesn't mean anything anymore. After all, we've been going in n out of finals for god knows how many billion times now. Just another test, another question paper, answer booklet which unfortunately will decide your grades. For a whole half year of studies, it only takes 3 hours for you to prove yourself. Crazy shit.

But yeah, i think i somehow got used to the system so much so that i actually don't feel a little stress or panic at all like how i would last few semesters. Not because i am well prepared, hell no, too many formulas and diagrams and charts to be memorized and yeah i suck in memorizing, so hell no, i'm not ready, but i just don't feel nothing. Not so sure myself whether this is a good sign or a really bad one though. It may go both ways i think. But i really think i am overly relax throughout this whole semester. Having fun and enjoying life like shit. Classes, assignments and reports became secondary. The amount of classes i skipped this semester probably doubled or tripled compared to last sem. But again, life is short, so enjoy it while you can.

So my study week is over and very soon my 3rd year here will be over too. N yeah i made it this week, didn't hit the club at all. Well not because i'm good, just that i'm really broke. Anyway, forget bout the clubs, a short summary of my study week would be starbucks, movies, snooker, mamak, and beers. N i really ate a lot, like 5 meals per day? Think it's the most i've eaten since i came to utp for 3 years now. Not sure why but i get hungry really quick lately even like 2 hours after dinner or lunch. So yeah, keep eating and eating and eating and watch my bank account depreciates.

I've watched: forbidden kingdom, iron man, the rock, martian child, the great debators, love lust, and a few more which i can't recollect its title. C..I suck when it comes to my memory.

Looking forward to finishing this bloody exam so i can go home and get some rest doing wut i want to without worrying bout assignments, reports, due dates like before. And yeah, work too. Looking forward to Germany, and really hope i don't screw my last three papers when i'm back.

Creative

2008-05-09T23:45:00.001+08:00

Usual me (In lab)

2008-05-09T23:23:00.001+08:00

Found this pic somewhere as i browse thru my lappie. I really dunno how to sit properly. Think it's last year during DSD lab. argh..

Falling sick

2008-05-08T19:05:00.001+08:00

Hedonist

2008-05-05T21:49:00.001+08:00

Who's not? Everyone is a hedonist. Human tend to seek for pleasure in everything they do. It's only a matter of whether they get that pleasure they are expecting in the end of it. But the fact is we plan for pleasure and hence hedonist.

Human are simply pleasure seeking machines. Why machines? Cause they are pre programmed that way, u can't change the fact. Yeah u can choose to control yourself, but deep down you want it and you need it so stop denying it anyway. And yeah, human can be as dumb seeking for pleasure even at the cost of their life. Believe it.

God is a mystery. Created pleasure seeking machines and creates pleasure mechanism which most of them turn out to be destructive and call them sin. Or maybe God did not create these pleasure mechanism, human did, but God created human with smart brain and give them the ability to create pleasure mechanisms which they somehow need it one way or another.

Used to remember everything u wanted

Used to remember every little thing u need

It used to be me yeah it was me

And u left that day saying u trust in Him

So softly as you barely make it through your tears

What can i give what can i ask more

How could i kill that faith you held so strong

Years passes by so quickly that i never notice

You came back now with the sins you commit

If He exist, why murder a girl who loved Him

Why take her and leave her in the darkness

Cried till she loose her voice as well as faith

Looking for an exit which doesn't exist

It is a mystery

I am a Hedonist. Hedonist i am.

Days pass by so quickly

2008-05-04T22:31:00.001+08:00

And i just couldn't get the time to blog. So here's some updates..

Couldn't believe how fast time passes this semester, again, reaching the end of my 2nd year now, study week-a week of peace before the final tribulation.

Had a waterfall-venture somewhere in kampar last thursday-labour's day. Gayer's trip i would say. A bunch of guys rejuvenating after a whole semester of hard work and tedious schedule.

We hiked some, climbed some, passed by some orang asli ataps, looking for a nice spot, somewhere high with not to deep nor shallow water just enough for us to immerse ourselves in the cooling water.

Found ourselves a nice hideout where we'll later shampoo and soap ourselves and let the people down stream taste our dirt. Evil yeah? Would be going for another round of rejuvenation before final starts. Also, most of the pictures are in my friend's camera, so just bear with what i have here till i get them aite.

Also tasted some nice curry chicken wrapped in bread(min-bao-kai). The curry taste ordinary, but i really like the bread. Gonna taste the herbs chicken there next time.

And TAR college's new campus in kampar is magnificent. Nice academic buildings, the concept look quite the same with UTP's with glass windows and steels. Also surrounded with a big big lake. And best still, the lake connects till outside the campus, so couples can just make out there without the need to worry for disturbance from RM and pak gads.

Supposed to head back to KL after my last quiz on friday, but just couldn't miss Sincero Riverbank's opening. It's half surrounded by a man made river which somehow turn into longkang that night polluted with food and pukes. But again, the whole riverbank concept coupled with the wooden bar on its veranda is really refreshing , a nice place to chill but not club i would say.

N guess who i met there, bloody hell shocked. C if u can recognise the gal there on the most left.

She's bloody dancing on stage just for a bucket of beer? Amazed. N i was later dragged up the stage by her. If i drag her then bolehlah, but she dragged me up instead, can u believe it? haha..

Ended up bunked into aaron's house that night, had bout 2 hours of sleep, rushed back to UTP at 6am plus and straight to KL at 7. Crazily exhausting.

Headed straight to Maxis centre to settle some stuff with charmain, had lunch and was already 2 plus when i reached home finally. Thought i could catch some rest finally but my phone rang and i ended up chilling in the curve.

I finally slept at 2am that nite. N had my appointment with my soon to be boss in one u starbucks this morning which he FFK-ed after i waited there for half an hour. Said will come up to Ipoh on Tuesday and we can meet in parade, just hope he doesn't FFK me twice.

And finally, i'm back to where i started, UTP with everyone back home now since my exam is scheduled with huge gaps between papers that there's no need to stay over during study week.

Gotta study and work hard this week to catch up and make up for the week between exams which i'll be missing.

Markah x halal

2008-04-30T15:07:00.002+08:00

I think i'm really screwed up this semester, however, i'm in an exeptional gush of luck i presume. Since i really did screw up almost about everything, but somehow things always turn out fine in the end one way or another.

Example 1, i screwed up my control test, late for half an hour and made some silly mistakes here n there, guess what? i got 94 for it, n it's markah x halal since i really made mistakes but just that i'm not sure why i still get marks for a wrong answer. Think i have a very kind lecturer yeah? Pretty screwed isn't it?

Example 2, got back my analogue test 2 today, screwed up the 1st question since i mistaken a bandpass filter for a bandstop filter(the total opposite). And guess what, i got 20/20 for that question still and a total of 70. Damn, markah x halal again.

Example 3, was totally late for one of my application, bout a month, yet, i was still accepted though i went through quite a lot of hassle for that. Still, crazily blessed i guess.

N there are a lot of other things that i messed up, but i'll keep that to myself anyway, n yeah, in the end, everything just turn out fine. I'm not sure if i should thank god for that or should feel guilty instead. But ultimately, i guess i should just do both.

On another matter, MSN n HOTMAIL seems to fail today, can't log in to both messenger n my hotmail. It's crucial for me since i'm expecting some important emails, hate utp for that. But yeah, looking on the bright side, my room get quite good reception for wifi connection and i actually have the privilege of enjoying fast internet connection almost everyday whereas most of my friends even those from the same block as me just couldn't login for whatever the reason being n they are left with LAN which all utpians know how sucky the internet connection can get with LAN.

Also, yeah, my phone reception, only my room has it. Go to any other rooms in my block, u don't even get a single bar of reception jokes aside. Can't even sms not to mention making phone calls. So, cheers even though i still get choppy conversation here and there at least i know i'm in a far better condition compared to many others. =)

Being blessed, i thank God for that.

Daylight Robbers

2008-04-28T11:39:00.001+08:00

N so i was greeted by Mr.Sun this morning..

The sun just rose when i exit UTP gate to Jelapang for renewal of my passport. It took about 3 hours plus and i conclude that as high efficiency since well, it's Malaysia rite?

And on my way back, was trailing behind this truck, where at one point he slowed down and signaled left signalling for me to overtake, reflects took over, signaled right, cut out and whoops.. No, not accident, but there's two creature in uniform flagging me right on the spot. Caught in action, it's a double line.

After taking my IC n Licence, n the whole fake i'm-gonna-give-u-a-ticket talk, the conversation went like this:

Pak Hodoh: "Ini double line tau? kalau saman 300, lepas sebulan u gi rayuan, mungkin lepas diskaun 200. ok?"

Me: "jangan la boss. I ingat truck depan problem sbb dia signal nak masuk, bukan saje-saje nak overtake ni."

Pak Hodoh: "Eh.. x boleh..x boleh.. u ckp dgn office nanti bila rayu la. 200 boleh kot." den after pausing a while, he continued "ok?"(mcb!!)

So i peek into my wallet, n fuck, after paying 300 for the passport renewal, i'm left with only rm7, took out the rm7 look at him, "boleh x?"

Pak Hodoh:"ini 300 la, u ingat men2 ka? 7 ringgit mana cukop?"

I remember i kept some money in my car in case i forget my wallet, n so i searched, n shoot, only 4 bucks left.. So 4+7=11. I flashed that rm11 n gave him an innocent smile as best as i could. "10 ringgit boleh x?"

Pak Hodoh:"U tanya boss sana la, 10 cukop makan x?"

Me:"Boss, i student ma, betul tak ada lagi la. Ini saja yg ada."

Pak Hodoh:"Bawa siket je duit ni macam mana you nak balik nanti? Petrol sudah pam ke? Dah makan lom?"

Me:"Petrol ada, baru pam, la ni yang tinggal, boleh la?"

N many lines of conversation persuading him this is the only money left, which i'll omit here.. N finally,

Pak hodoh:"Okla, u student, i amek duit ni sebab u nak belanja eh? Jalan.."

Me:"okok, thank you a.. Sorry ye.."

Pak Hodoh:" perlahan-lahan ya.. jaga-jaga ye.."

Me:"ya ok ok.."

N fuck, i'm broke. fucking day light robbers squeeze even the very last drop of my money. DAMN YOU SHITHOLE!!

#1 Art of survival u gotta learn in malaysia-bribery n corruption!! It rocks!!

Those who shall not be named

2008-04-27T14:22:00.003+08:00

To you:

Thanks for always being brutal with me, cruel to me, and ignoring me, but that will never wipe off the unconditional love u have for me. Yeah i know that. n i love you too.

To you:

You are probably the best tai ka che i've ever had, always there to listen, to accompany me, even when u r busy, yeah i know u r busy but i just can't help it. When i can't turn to anyone be it friends or family, u are the only one that i know i can turn to and yeah like u've said, i'm probably the bane of your existance. But yeah, glad to have you.

To you:

Between us are things that i never intended. If there's anything i can do to make up for it i would. Certainly. Just hoping for better days between us.

To you:

Though i never wanna admit, but yeah u've changed me lots in a very short time. I became everything i never want to be before. And now i basically skipped a level and currently at my very best and still going. Just makes me wonder. But well, things in this world work in a very miraculous way. And yeah it's a little insane too.

To you:

Till today, i guess we've fought more than we talk. But i'm glad we never drifted that far apart after all. Silly but true. Everything about you is home. Being with you is like being home n i guess i'm really lucky to have u included in this chaotic world of mine. Thanks for caring n everything n do noe that i care for u a dozen too. U r wonderful in a very intimidating way i would say. But u r just u, like how i can be myself with u, n i love that.

To you:

N you. I probably don't have to say anything here but well, i'll start. It's been so many fucking years now that i sometimes couldn't believe it. Really. You are always there and always always there. Like you've said, you can't live without me. I know it sounds corny, but yeah, neither can i. Funny but i just realised this, u r the reason that motivates me to be better. N u pick me up every single time i fall. Without you, i really dun wanna imagine how far i could have drifted away n how deep i could have sunk. N u r perhaps the only person that can bear with me for so long till today. Thanks.

On a side note, this just came in.

Paint me a rainbow that shall nvr fade

2008-04-27T02:07:00.005+08:00

Huggies drives me home

2008-04-26T01:52:00.001+08:00

Back home since yesterday to collect my passport, skipped today's class for the sake of staying home for another day.

Was at DeCanters last night chilling though i was really tired. Had my interview in the morning, classes, labs, drove home and all. But how often am i home i thought, n so i went n ended up home bout 2 or 3 i couldn't really remember. But yeah the point is, i'm home.

I love hugs. It's much practical than any other form of soothing-ism. N it always work for me. Hugs which are sincere comes across from within almost instantly once the connection is made. Makes me feel home. N all the messages that you don't send out usually be it good or bad just come across so thoroughly when u hug. Can even tell how much a person care for you by merely a hug. N i love that. I love things crystal clear. Unhidden. I love truth.

Talking bout truth, it's only lived up by the ones who's life is perfect and protected like in fairytales. No one else can stay truthful when thrown out into this crazy world we're living in today. Everyone comes with both sides of good and bad, and often to survive in this bloody crazy environment we're living in today, we often do a lot of shits when no one is looking simply to cover our own ass. N sure enough, no one in the world would portray the bad side but rather, the better side of themselves will be massively broadcast over and over again.

Just to survive, u lie, compromise when you know you shouldn't, bend ur own beliefs and morals, all for the sake of surviving. Sometimes when u wander too far off, u'll eventually loose yourself. Loose your identity as u get too caught up with this insanity. Until u return to someone u can stand bare naked with n not feel ashamed, knowing that its safe to be yourself, and having the confidence that she knows you enough to understand and accept who u really are, that's when u get a glimpse of being home again. N after all the chaos, a warm hug n a smack from her will certainly be all too fucking gorgeous to drive u home safe n warm.

Home sweet home tonight.

*Gonna screw another 2 papers on monday.

Shooting star in movies

2008-04-23T01:19:00.001+08:00

They say i need to sleep but sleep ain't coming to me.

Movie. People don't stay in the cinema any longer once the end appeared. Whether u like the movie or not, in the end, u'll leave cause that's what people do. Can't say you wish the hero to live longer, or the fight to last longer, or the romance to erupt further, it has to end because it reached that 1.5 hours limit.

There are times when you really love the movie so much, that even if it's a happy ending, u still wish there wouldn't be an ending at all just because you enjoyed it so much that you're not willing to end that fun time.

N there are times, the end pop up so suddenly that you turn around and ask your friends "that's it??" N yeah, that's all. Probably feel hanging in the middle, not going anywhere n it's kinda disappointment since u expected more. Anyhow, you know you'll certainly pick a better movie next time.

N there are also times where the hero or heroin dies, or the two just didn't end up together, you probably might feel down or cry over it perhaps, but after crying you'll probably love how the sad ending magnify the beauty of it further. N perhaps it'll stick to your memory for quite some time.

N lastly, the worse case, the movie ended and you just don't feel a thing at all. Simply wasted 1.5 hours, 10 bucks for the tix n perhaps more for popcorns n a coke, n lots of concentration. wakaka..

Haha.. crap.. This is the most random post ever due to frequent insomnia, sorry folks, wasted your time reading my bullshits.

Rotaract Finale: The secret-Law of Attractions

2008-04-22T02:09:00.001+08:00

So we ended our rotaract term with the last club meeting flooded with all the pictures n montage of events we organized followed by a mamak session. Released from my duty n post.

Wanna confess that i was really too occupied with other issues this semester that i didn't contribute much, felt really bad for holding the post but not doing my job as the assistant funding director. Skipped so many board meetings, club meetings, events, even funding avenue's events. Even my corporate shirt, it's my 1st time putting that on just now at the last club meeting. Can you imagine that?? Guess utp rotaractors will know what i'm talking about.

N since i'll be doing my internship soon, officially i can't hold any position for the next term, it's kinda like no chance for me to make up for the things i've been too busy to do. But setting that aside, i still wanna do something for rotaract and redeem myself for good.

N so i kinda pledge that i'm gonna make up for it. How?

20k sponsorship for the next term. Yeah i know that sounds absurd, my director made a resolution beginning of the term for getting 100k sponsorship n we only make 450 in the end. But again, that shouldn't stop us from dreaming big. N looking at the potential of our rotaract club, i honestly think it isn't impossible to get people who's willing to pay 20k sponsoring meaningful events like this.

N kinda make a deal with the elect president for next term, if i get that money flow in, all community service based projects next term will be free for all members. I really wanna c that happen since i know that lotsa students out there really wants to join rotaract's projects but just couldn't afford the money.

So if i can get this through, it's gonna be a contribution not only to rotaract utp, the students and members, it's also gonna benefit the community. I've seen so many projects we've done this term n i really think that it's a successful term and every event impacts lives n touches souls. All so meaningful simply put. I believe that there're corporations out there who'll be more than happy to fund us as a way to contribute back to the community. The key is to locate these people n i will try my best to accomplish that.

So, gonna work hard to make this happen during my coming semester break. Anyone who happens to read this and know anyway to assist me, do leave a comment or something ok?

On another note, i just realized that there're really so many things on my mind lately, really pray hard that things will work out as planned.

1) Germany!!(At least i get one thing confirmed)

2) Getting my semi-intern during break!!

3) Singapore next semester!! Or better still australia but i'm late already!!

4) Conceptualizing ideas on my 1st million!!

5) Getting 20k sponsorship for rotaract utp!!

N last but not least, hope i can still manage to maintain my CGPA despite all the things which is taking my time and concentration away. N i just screwed up my analogue test II. Great.

Oh misa campo, i wan u!!!

Dear campo,

2008-04-21T16:34:00.001+08:00

Could you please close your eyes for a sec babe?

You see, I'm sitting for a test at 5, and all I'm doing is staring at you. So could you do me a lil favor babe? Close your eyes for a second..

I'll need that second to move away from your captivating eyes..

Hate n love your pretty eyes,

Ben.

Starbucks and Temptations

2008-04-19T22:44:00.001+08:00

Sitting at starbucks trying to understand output stage amplifier while eavesdropping on the neighbouring 2 tables at the same time is really not an easy task i would say.

Moreover, knowing the fact that sincero, baby face, rum jungle n all are just a few minutes drive away makes it even harder to focus on what need to be done.

N yeah, the little red rectangular packet is sitting quietly staring at me, calling to me. Ahh.. This is so interesting isn't it?

Looking at my friend concentrating on his FYP.. gah..

I should get back to work now too, don't wanna party with guilt later.

Surf junky( A SCAM)

2008-04-18T19:29:00.002+08:00

**Edited on 19th april 2008

After doing some research on this, i came to the conclusion that surf junky just another scam. So don't bother signing up peeps. =)

~~Received a message from facebook today, some pay to surf programs, and i always delete without reading. Anyhow, i decided to have a look at it and in the end, i signed up. damn.~~

What do you have to do? just sign up, open a browser, let it run on its own, click on some banners when you are bored of studying, n that's it. Yeah simple rite?

But that's not the thing that attracts me, it's the live update counter which they are running. It's a counter which counts how long you are browsing the page(stay online let it run on its own n go mamak) and how much money is going into your pocket($0.45 per hour) and it is updated live. Yeah it's fun to see the $$ counting up rite? for me la.. not sure if others feel the same hehe. N yeah it's in dollars.

So anyhow, like i've said, i signed up, n it's counting up now, still counting.. n still counting..

Activity Points: 2
Payment rate: $0.45 per hour
Hours spent surfing: 1.67
Your earnings: $0.75

Up up up it counts...

~~Can't believe i actually signed up still..~~

Shape shifting

2008-04-18T14:27:00.001+08:00

At the verge of breaking.

Tell me how.

Sleepy eyes.

Missing every line.

Need my dose.

It's pure black.

Focus.

Still.

Missing.

Little Wonders

2008-04-17T22:54:00.001+08:00

Currently feeling numb.

I always wonder what's the reason people strive so hard for their studies, like me. What's the point of this cycle of life where we'll go to kinder garden, primary school, high school, college or uni, work produce kid, make them do the same thing we did, and die off or if we live longer, we might be able to see our children producing theirs and do the same thing to their kid like what we did to them. It's like running in circles looking for the end point but there's none and you're always stuck in that circle going no where. Perhaps you might find yourself somewhere further if the circle you are making is a bit bigger, but still, the fact is no matter how big your circle may be you ARE still running in circles.

Get good grades, get into a good company, be highly competitive and get a highly paid job and then you'll lead a good life.

Er.. wait.. From the beginning, who guarantees that getting good grades will get you into a good company? And getting into a good company doesn't guarantee a highly paid job too. And even if you get a highly paid job, it doesn't at all give you a good life. The only reason this theory survived till today is because this is what tradition leaves behind.

But the world has changed today. So much so that the cert that you are fighting so hard for currently means so little in the real world when it was once a BIG DEAL. Yeah, knowledge is power, and it remains true till today. But it's no longer the knowledge that you learn from school that is power anymore, it's a totally different one all in all.

Talk about cyber space, talk about job opportunities, talk about securities, business market, love relationship, social networking, communication infrastructure, government policies, trading efficiencies. You'll notice that none of it can be defined as how you used to define them 10 years ago. And people still think that the same old theory of leading a good life applies. It's either we just don't see the changes or we are simply being ignorant.

So back to my question, why the heck are we striving so hard academically and always say that it is our 1st priority?? How do we actually came up with the idea that getting good grades is our main priority? Is there a slight chance that we set our priority wrongly since the very beginning due to influences and traditions? That we simply didn't even spend enough time thinking from scratch what should we prioritize in this phase of our life? Or maybe we din even notice the need to evaluate should studies be 1st priority now at uni level?

Maybe there are more to life that we should excel in, even more than studies. Maybe?

Party like a rockstar

2008-04-17T19:54:00.003+08:00

Life in utp is a bloody cycle where there's no difference between weekdays and weekends.

weekends we work the same
weekdays we party the same

work like hell in the day getting money
party like hell during the night throwing money

all in all
tired like hell n still no money

shitty life i'm living

Business in 0.01s

2008-04-16T23:13:00.007+08:00

Been busy lately trying to work out so many things in this short time. Re-organizing n re-prioritizing everything. Kinda failed my life last 3 years since i came to uni. Saying this not because i fail in anything in that sense, just that i'm not progressing much as how i used to n wish to n to me, that's failing.

N somehow when i finish all the thinking n decision making, i'm shocked at how i prioritize my life now. Everything changes. N for the 1st time i'm up for changes. Silly me, i told a friend of mine today that i'm gonna make my 1st million before i'm 25. She must think i'm going nuts i guess.

but well again, not forgetting the law of attraction. positive thoughts draw positive things n negative thoughts will always attract the negative things in life. N how true is it i thought, after all, my life has been blessed with many undeserved blessings n i honestly think that it has got something to do with the way u think. So far, i've always been getting the things that i positively think i will get even when at that time it seems a bit nuts to think that way even to myself.

I always tell myself, its only a matter of time before i'll get it. n yeah it works pretty well for me. The problem only comes when u give up even before trying. so what the heck, i'm gonna get my 1st million before the age of 25. nuts or not. lets just believe it now.

N i was hanging out with a friend last night, were talking n he asked, do u noe how much faster our malaysian 100m runner should be able to run after completing their 6 months training overseas? i simply shook my head, not quite sure what to say. Mayb i wasn't quite sure what's the question about too. Then he continued, they only need to be 0.01s faster than other participants n they'll emerge victorious. The moral of the story is simply this, u only need to be a little bit ahead of people to be outstanding.

Simply put, in malaysia, it's not that hard to be outstanding or to be successful, just need to be slightly ahead n it'll make all the difference. N how hard can that be? That depends on how badly u want that i think. where to start? start by hanging a smile on your face n be more courteous to people around you n u'll notice a big difference. sad to say, but somehow malaysians suck in this. so if u can do this, at least all i can say is u're on your way to that 0.01s difference.

N people with ideas but no actions are malaysians too. We always have great ideas, but how often do we put them into actions n make something out of it? hardly. so pick up your lazy ass( i mean mine actually) n start doing something now. Plan n map out your ideas n start working on it. it might not turn out as planned, but it'll certainly bring u somewhere, somewhere further ahead. Somewhere towards that 0.01s ahead.

So peeps, lets get started now.

Breakfast at V5 cafe

2008-04-14T09:40:00.002+08:00

Look at the black spot on the fried egg

Cockroach!!!

Y must i suffer like this?? N this is the new item we have in v5 cafe.

Pourage???

Something corporate

2008-04-13T16:08:00.001+08:00

I'm lost at sea, the radio jammed, I bet they won't find me
I swear it's for the best, and then your frequency is pulling me in closer till I'm home
and I've been up for days, I finally lost my mind,
and then I lost my way, I'm blistered but I'm better
and I'm home

I will grow, there's things that aren't worth giving up, I know, but I won't let this get me,
I will fight, you live the life you're given with the storms outside,
somedays all I do is watch the sky

This room's too small, it's only getting smaller, up against the wall,
I'm slowly getting taller, in this wonderland, your skin feels so familiar
and I'm home

I'll crawl, there's thing that aren't worth giving up I know, but I won't let this get me,
I will fight, you live the life you're given with the storms outside,
somedays all I do is watch the sky, and somedays
all I do is watch the sky

and I think I, I could use a little break
today was a good day
and I think I, I could use a little break,
but today was a good day

...and it's a deep sea, in which I'm floated, and still I sink to think that I must...

crawl, there's things that aren't worth giving up I know, when you can't bare to carry me,
I'll fight, you live the life you're given with the storms outside
and somedays all I do is watch the sky
today was a good day

Chill-la-kills

2008-04-12T18:12:00.008+08:00

Another round down to Batu gajah to help out the rumah kanak-kanak cacat there. It's one of Rotaract community service monthly project where we try to go down n help them out at least once or twice each month.

3 of us working under the sun to beautify the little garden(i'm taking the picture)

R for Rotaract. (or Rumah kanak kanak cacat?)

Shira feeding lunch to one of the inmates

The girls after cleaning up the whole big dorm

ME, the trio(Alia, Ulia, Ilia) n Shira

Drag her along with me too

Rotaractors group pic 1(we forget bout Shira)

Another shot (now with Shira)

For all the good deeds, there's always another part of the story to be told. The night before..

This is just another kind of community service weekly project

N i only had 5 hours of sleep.. seriously exhausted.. 3 test next week n i'm dying..

For Josh-Third Phase

2008-04-10T21:01:00.008+08:00

Stop that shit licking not like i own a ferrari
Years of love care share shit lets just flush it
U don't have to know who i am to be like me
Live it love it the third phase is plain dirty

Nod ya head we came to protect nobody
Move ya ass u know we came to party
Fuck that shitty face u're giving me
Live it love it shift in third phase ya plain dirty

Esso n Sincero

2008-04-10T18:48:00.013+08:00

Sneaked out to sincero last night. Probably still the best one around here.

C that guy in white there? Met him n found out tht he's the "tai zi ye" who own's the bloody esso here. Dad, buy me an esso too pls..

evilish

2008-04-08T22:51:00.000+08:00

Breathe

2008-04-07T17:36:00.003+08:00

Breathe
take in wut kills
but heals
foolish but breathe

every value u murdered
spawns a new perception i c
its dark n gloomy
hidden bits of colors
will glow as u breathe

N its gonna be like this
so just breathe
take in wut kills
but heals

butterflies are meant to fly
love's but lay n lies
so just take the light
breathe

Robocon

2008-04-02T20:28:00.003+08:00

Our sweat and pain and hardwork for about a year

Robocon gamefield in UKM
A picture of myself right before match

Dr.Naufal's treat-Kajang satay

For now

2008-03-31T20:15:00.000+08:00

baby stay on be strong
4 love is the reason we're found
there's nothing like having u beside me
every moment every smile
it burns like a fire wild
so stay on be strong
i'll come home to you
n when the rains over n tears smile
tmr ain't gonna be harder with me around

Camouflage

2008-03-23T20:19:00.007+08:00

Moves like a butterfly
Under her wings she hides
N her eyes u cant deny
Innocent blue underlying lies

Paint her purplish shy
Pure mind innocent sly
It's her eyes u cant deny
Ah.. the perfect disguise

Morning world

2008-03-18T09:42:00.002+08:00

And you ask me what i want this year
and i try to make this good and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

cause i don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things,
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Steel bullet

2008-03-17T16:44:00.003+08:00

U asked before
Words don't mean a thing
Action does

N now i'll bleed
just to c u live
if u're happy

then i'll be

Smoke n cigarretes

2008-03-17T01:01:00.004+08:00

Remember the days
when we were counting stars
lying over me u are
n all over u i am

Remember the glow
which burn deep inside
n we're sleepless that night
we talk n we talk about

tomorrow
and tomorrow ain't easy
without you
tomorrow just ain't easy

Now i'm standing here
fighting the fight that kills
me deep inside but u
u dun c any of me

Now its me alone
Counting the darkness
Falling from behind
it's me alone facing

tomorrow
and tomorrow ain't easy
without you
tomorrow just ain't easy

tomorrow
n tomorrow ain't easy
without you
tomorrow just
tomorrow just
it ain't easy

Light up like u always do

2008-03-15T21:11:00.003+08:00

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room

All because im
Comin down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And Ill go and lead you home and
All because im
All because im
And Ill become
What you became to me

We're here tonight

2008-03-15T15:14:00.003+08:00

Because some bonds are thicker than blood.

Life's short.

Who cares.

Thanks cha.

"I wasn't thinking"

2008-03-14T19:38:00.004+08:00

simple

There are no degrees of honesty

2008-03-14T05:47:00.003+08:00

It's 6am now n i finally got back from lab. Y am i still sitting here typing this. I'm an asshole who likes to torture myself.

My robocon diary

2008-03-13T13:24:00.004+08:00

Was in lab for 11.5 hours from 8pm-730am last nite. slept for 5.5 hours from then till 1pm. haven't been eating for the past 18.5 hours. Going to lab again in 0.5 hours. gonna stay there for the rest of today. n tmr. n most probably day after tmr 2.

Life is tough. Where's my sunshine happy days?

Currently raining in utp

2008-03-12T16:14:00.005+08:00

It's already quiet enough here n now it's raining cats n dogs. Staring at the rainy world outside from the window, makes me feel like i'm the only person left in this isolated world.

Being left alone makes me stronger. Gives me time to think n refocus on what i once was too occupied to remember.

The rain. It's killing. But there's always this little something i have for the rain. Something i couldn't explain but it's just there i know.

This world is a crazy place. Everyone's busy chasing time. But every time it rains, it's just beautiful like everything around me stops revolving and i can take every second i have to just

breathe..

Burnt for the better

2008-03-12T15:41:00.002+08:00

Honey Lime Juice

2008-03-03T16:33:00.002+08:00

Rumah Kanak'2 Cacat Batu Gajah With Rotaract

2008-02-27T19:29:00.007+08:00

Last saturday morning we went to this rumah kanak2 cacat in batu gajah.

1st thing we do is to clean up the bloody store
Here comes poser-Aaron n Joshua aka president.. N the diapers..

N my kiasu spirit kicks

Acting curious
Some of the kids
When they grow up, they become inmates(tht's really what they call them)

Reaching out?? Seems more like "being reached".

This is a mural painting we did during the last visit

More visits gonna be scheduled n hope we can really help out n contribute to the community in a meaningful way.

Happy belated bday to sam sam n ting ting

2008-02-27T19:04:00.004+08:00

Finally i hv the time to update a bit. Celebrated ting ting n my rummie's bday at pizza n then the newly opened club at ipoh. Some low quality pics here.

This is me n khian

Candid pic-only sam staring at the cam

N below we have min min doing her thing as usual.

As usual, sam staring at the cam again.

Look at min min. Sigh~~ n me looking a bit tipsy there.

Pls do not bash me up for uploading the pics. I'm just a medium which allows min min to work her magic out in "de-stress-ing" the many EE students who's currently stress n exhausted as an effect of the overwhelming workload n incoming tests. Min min can pls say thank you to me. =)

Dealova

2008-02-24T13:12:00.000+08:00

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
Karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
Oh karena hati tlah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
Aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
Tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
Oh bayangmu seakan-akan

Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku
Yang memanggil rinduku padamu
Seperti udara yg kuhela kau selalu ada

Hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang
Tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang
Dan sepi, dan sepi

Selalu ada, kau selalu ada
Selalu ada, kau selalu ada

Psalms 94:18

2008-02-23T18:10:00.002+08:00

"I said, "I am falling";
but your constant love, O Lord,
held me up."

If my world's gonna crumble, if everything's gonna fall apart, i will go through and survive because i know what You hold for me. I will come out unscratched. Just a little wit bit wiser.

Because of your words of comfort, i find the strength to face tomorrow.

Because of your assurance, i'm able to trust n live on knowing that everything is in control even when everything seems to spiral downwards so quickly. I know u will hold me, tht's your promise that u will keep.

God's Wrath and Grace

2008-02-22T16:05:00.002+08:00

Sin separates us from God. Familiar phrase huh? Heard that many times, probably a thousand times now. But we always falter and we always think that it's okay to falter because we are weak. It's okay and we take His mercy n grace for granted. It's okay cuz it's not our fault that we are made weak. But the truth is this, it's not ok at all.

I'm an asshole that i never realize this truth after calling myself a believer for so long now. I'm an asshole to take things for granted, take God for granted. I'm an asshole.

It's scary when u realize that Sin really separates u from God. Try to connect with God, try to pray, try calling out to Him, try whatever you wish, yet u can't reach him, cuz Sin keep coming in between. U cry, regret, sulk, but that brings u no where. Trust me, it's scary.

So what's next now that u can't connect with God? U R ALL ALONE. N that's not where it stops, what comes after sin? Wages of death. Consequences which u have to face n bear. Oh yeah, try shouting to God n ask for forgiveness, guess what?? God stare straight at your face and says:"I have already forgive you ample times, but u never learn, now that i am mad and angry, i will not listen to your pleadings anymore, i will bring sufferings to you and i will punish you like what i've warned you before." That's God's wrath. It's not being left alone that is scary, it's God's wrath. If God can give you the world because he loves u, he surely can screw your world up to the max if he wants to. N yes, now he wants to do that. What are you going to do?

N so, everytime we sin, we turn to god and ask for forgiveness without actually repenting sincerely but just to escape from the punishment and make ourselves feel better. God forgive us. Many times. Many many times. And we start to take him for granted. Until one day he turn his back on us, we will regret of how foolish we are but it's all too late.

I prayed and prayed, but everytime i open up the bible, it's always verses of God's wrath and how he will punish sinners and how he will not listen to our pleadings anymore. I thought i'm doomed. But today, i received words of comfort, i guess that's my last ticket to heaven and i'm damn sure i will not burn it again. Peeps, listen to me, whatever you do, don't ever take God's mercy for granted. U'll fucking regret it.

"Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

So many times i turn my back against Him, but still He's always faithful to me. How much more love should i ask for? What more could i ever be greedy enough to ask for when i have a God as great as this? As loving, merciful and faithful as Him?

"To whom will you compare me or count me equal?
To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?"

None. The one and only God i have. I will love and honor with all my heart. No one else could ever take your place. Father, cleanse me and make me remember this lesson so i'll never again turn away from you and fall for temptation. Make me yours and only yours. Amen.

Looking ahead

2008-02-22T14:40:00.005+08:00

Happenings..

Everything is changing every minute. Everyone is changing everyday without realizing it themselves. Nothing remain constant at all.

It's been really busy for me lately. Everything is changing so fast that sometimes i have to breathe so hard just to catch my breath. N then continue chasing time again.

Life like this. Love like this. Dreams like this. Changes like this. Busy like this.

I like. I get boost up. At least i am progressing. In whatever i'm doing. Good or bad. I am progressing.

I am

2008-02-21T19:23:00.000+08:00

Dumber than dumb.

Understanding

2008-02-12T20:25:00.001+08:00

As a husband, if I am to love my wife as Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25), it will begin with the intentional effort to grow in my understanding of her. —Bill Crowder

Things i've learn

2008-02-12T01:36:00.000+08:00

1) Be the turning point of everything u step into. -Dr Naufal

2) The truth is always ugly. -Ai ting

3) Beautiful lies are lies which are being wrapped with a ribbon and a cute little card which reads "Specially handcrafted for you".

4) Love is what's left over when being in love has burned away. It's not the eruption that matters, but rather it's about how things resides after the heat and flash.

5) Some people like rainbows because it resembles another gud day ahead after the rain. Some people like seeing cuz it's colorful n that makes them happy. Some say it brings good fortune. But very few realize that what they really like is not the rainbow itself, it's what rainbows mean to them--joy, happiness, fortune. N it's easy to find any of these feelings from other things in life. So why rainbow?? It's not so special anymore isn't it??

Cny

2008-02-06T20:56:00.000+08:00

So i'm home for cny!! Happy happy..

Bout gin n ginger

2008-01-29T09:14:00.000+08:00

Lan yao yeng-ing...
Act cute-ing~~ Wuu+blek~~

Back home again

2008-01-25T22:49:00.000+08:00

So i'm home again. Not my home exactly, but still home.

Had nice nice yummy tong sui.. N bot ginger bread wifey n ginger bread husband.

lalala....

sleepy... lets sleep..

Midnight rants

2008-01-20T01:55:00.000+08:00

It's gonna be a long day coming in a couple of hours b4 monday when my new sem starts.

Have an Rcon meeting at 2pm later, last gathering for all 50 members before sem starts, gonna finish up the gamefield, clean the lab, n reschedule everything since the mechanical people are lagging behind in their work by a week or 2 now. Pressure, people!!

Finally did the 1st draft for this sem's timetable. should be better compared to last sem since all classes are only till 5pm. But it'll be 8am every morning which means more being-late-to-class are heading my way. Trying to fit more classes from mon till thurs so that fri would be having less classes which means a longer weekend. Classes are clashing though, gonna have to go through lots of hassle to fix that from previous experience.

Seems like it's gonna be a tough sem for me considering my commitment in Robocon n Rotaract. Also might be heading back home more often this sem. Not sure how i'm gonna cope, but i will. It's always like that, human are born to adapt to the environment. Not the other way round. So i will follow nature's cause.

On another note, Home seems a bit chaotic to me now due to the unforeseen changes. N i suddenly lost my room, how nice would that be. However, considering what you guys are facing back home, i'm not gonna sulk on my petty problem like this. N really hope everyone will be able to pull through this time ok? Mom, stay strong ok? Take gud care of dad. N sis u take gud care of them both ok? Please let me know n keep me updated, don't wanna be left out k.

Turning 20

2008-01-19T21:03:00.000+08:00

Okay.. u noe wut? It struck me that i'm gonna turn 20 this year.

N that sucks.

Time oh time.. could u slow down a little pls??

I haven get enough of my "teens"..

OneRepublic-Come Home

2008-01-19T00:38:00.000+08:00

So finally play time's over. N i'm back here.

It was a long journey back here today, since most of the highway is under construction, from 3 lanes it became one single lane for all. Sleepy drive the whole way back.

If there's something i wish i can hv rite now, it's gonna be home. Yeah, only here for a couple of hours n i feel like driving home already. Kinda dumb eh.

Everything's back to normal again. Repetitive routine n mundane life all over again. It's not like there's gonna be a surprise for u anyday soon here. Everything is just so in order n so expected.

Gaah.. Tht's just life..

N i hope by now, the song is already playing in the background. Love the melody much. Somehow sad n sweet. Emo n lovely.

Something i call bittersweet..

Addicted addicted

2008-01-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

Would you?

2008-01-16T01:28:00.000+08:00

Take care of yourself for me, would you??

Not gonna reason things out anymore

2008-01-15T16:03:00.000+08:00

Please don't make me think. I don't want to cuz it'll eventually suffocate me to death.

I just wanna believe. Tell me what to believe n i will. I promise.

I don't wanna doubt a word u say. Cuz i'll hurt more than u do when that happens.

Just wanna do things that make myself happy, n tht includes seeing u happy.

Complicated situations need to be simplified. Tell me u want me to stay, n i would.

Tell me to leave n i'll understand.

3 days grace

2008-01-14T00:26:00.000+08:00

I wish i noe

Fuck

2008-01-10T18:39:00.000+08:00

Okay.. this is so fucked up..

I gotta go home n sulk on this. wakaka..

Felt lethargic whole day. So went for gym. Gym closed. So jogged. Jogged for bout 2 km plus i guess.

Rcon hard to manage, feeling like quitting, but i can't. Cause the papers teach me that a leader can't quit unless he fuck someone up n get caught on cameras. I didn't. So i'm still here struggling.

Where's the head who's supposed to handle all this? Back in sudan eh? Great. So now i'm gonna take a break too. God teaches me to love myself and enjoy the life he gave me. So here i am doing what he taught me to. REST!!

There's a limit to how much a person can endure. N i ain't gonna make myself do things i dun want to. Yeah, just fuck things up n forget bout it. So what? Not like i'm gonna live forever.